On Health and Being Whole

I have a confession. I've been putting off seeing any more doctors. For anything.

It's terrible, I know. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of my kids blah blah blah.

I know.

The thing is, this health stuff isn't textbook illnesses that are easy to diagnose. Knowing what I'm up against, having been down the road of "you're just a tired new mom" and "take some vitamins" and all the other ways doctors show they aren't listening, I'm have some serious trepidation about . Right now, I've chosen to start at the rheumatologist. Since my ANA test came back positive at the end of last year, my doctor and I have decided I should start at the rheum to rule out diseases like Hashimoto's Disease before I go to an endocrinologist to tackle my thyroid problems. It could be my Meniere's Disease setting off the ANA. Hashimoto's could be the culprit in this never ending pit of thyroid disfunction. Or I could have something else altogether. As much as I'd like to avoid it, I have my first appointment next week.

I was just thinking I was doing really well, too. You see, the body aches have all but disappeared. After some basic allergy testing, we found that I'm not allergic to soy, or wheat, or eggs, and definitely don't have Celiac's – if there was an opposite of Celiac's, I would have that – and maybe I'm a little allergic to cow's milk but we had already done a trial and cow's milk wasn't the cause of the body aches. So, using my amazing reasoning skills (HA HA) I decided to cut out peppers and chillies. I've always been allergic to bell peppers so I thought maybe my body was getting fed up with me eating jalapeños, habaneros, and dried chilies with such reckless abandon. It. Was. Heartbreaking. I love spicy food. But I did it, I gave it up, and so far so good. No body aches. Whaaahoooo!

But then reality hit me. I had a two week span of mild, yet highly annoying, vertigo. And my afternoons have absolutely sucked. I mean SUCKED in ALL CAPS. The three-to-five o'clock hours are filled with such intense fatigue, I am sometimes brought to tears, but more often brought to an afternoon cup of coffee. And two months ago I started having night sweats not unlike those I had postpartum. Are they endo related, thyroid related, peri-menopause related (geez, I hope not since I'm only 37), I have no idea! And Monday, just three days ago, after 20 years of never realizing I had the disease, after 20 years of never having pain outside of my period, the endometriosis hurt. It hurt bad, Bombshells. Leg-shaking, breath-holding, trouble driving pain.

So, I'm starting with the rheum because I miss being healthy. I miss being whole. This onslaught of health issues, it's left me bewildered and scared. Though, to be perfectly honest, I haven't actually processed any of this…still. Yet. But I want to be whole. And if they have to cut parts out of me to make me whole, I need to process that. But I'm not there yet. I'm working on it. Eventually, I'll be whole.