I went MIA, I'm sorrynotsorry

Hey there Bombshells, long time no talk! I'd apologize but I'm not really sorry. Before you get indignant on me, hear me out. My health stuff had to come first, it just had to, you understand.
It's been a whirlwind of doctors appointments and health challenges of late. Bouts of fatigue intermixed with the monthly endometriosis super happy fun time, and well, I just had to put the blog down for a minute.

I'm happy to say it's been mostly good news. Tests for any autoimmune diseases like lupus or rheumatoid arthritis came back negative, but it's confirmed my thyroid disease is, in fact, autoimmune. So that's sucky. Turns out, the fun part of autoimmune diseases is they tend to run in packs. So, like, once you get one you get a few others because ain't no party like an autoimmune party – evidently. I have some weird autoimmune thing going on with the skin on my legs which meant I had to have all this stuff frozen off and I have to wear pants for a month, but that's no big deal, and we have to keep watching me for rheumatoid arthritis because it runs in my family, but I'm relatively healthy NOW, and that's really the most important thing.

In light of all the good news, I decided to celebrate at Disneyland! EVERY SINGLE MONTH! Okay, not really every single month, but close. One of the perks to living in Southern California is the close proximity to The Happiest Place on Earth. For me, Disneyland really is the Happiest Place on Earth. You may be wondering how this fits in with my goal of chemical free living but it isn't as bad as you think. I'll be writing about my time there and how I make the world's most popular theme park fit in with my lifestyle.

Lots of fun and happy things to come, my friends. So glad you're all along for the ride!

On Health and Being Whole

I have a confession. I've been putting off seeing any more doctors. For anything.

It's terrible, I know. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of my kids blah blah blah.

I know.

The thing is, this health stuff isn't textbook illnesses that are easy to diagnose. Knowing what I'm up against, having been down the road of "you're just a tired new mom" and "take some vitamins" and all the other ways doctors show they aren't listening, I'm have some serious trepidation about . Right now, I've chosen to start at the rheumatologist. Since my ANA test came back positive at the end of last year, my doctor and I have decided I should start at the rheum to rule out diseases like Hashimoto's Disease before I go to an endocrinologist to tackle my thyroid problems. It could be my Meniere's Disease setting off the ANA. Hashimoto's could be the culprit in this never ending pit of thyroid disfunction. Or I could have something else altogether. As much as I'd like to avoid it, I have my first appointment next week.

I was just thinking I was doing really well, too. You see, the body aches have all but disappeared. After some basic allergy testing, we found that I'm not allergic to soy, or wheat, or eggs, and definitely don't have Celiac's – if there was an opposite of Celiac's, I would have that – and maybe I'm a little allergic to cow's milk but we had already done a trial and cow's milk wasn't the cause of the body aches. So, using my amazing reasoning skills (HA HA) I decided to cut out peppers and chillies. I've always been allergic to bell peppers so I thought maybe my body was getting fed up with me eating jalapeños, habaneros, and dried chilies with such reckless abandon. It. Was. Heartbreaking. I love spicy food. But I did it, I gave it up, and so far so good. No body aches. Whaaahoooo!

But then reality hit me. I had a two week span of mild, yet highly annoying, vertigo. And my afternoons have absolutely sucked. I mean SUCKED in ALL CAPS. The three-to-five o'clock hours are filled with such intense fatigue, I am sometimes brought to tears, but more often brought to an afternoon cup of coffee. And two months ago I started having night sweats not unlike those I had postpartum. Are they endo related, thyroid related, peri-menopause related (geez, I hope not since I'm only 37), I have no idea! And Monday, just three days ago, after 20 years of never realizing I had the disease, after 20 years of never having pain outside of my period, the endometriosis hurt. It hurt bad, Bombshells. Leg-shaking, breath-holding, trouble driving pain.

So, I'm starting with the rheum because I miss being healthy. I miss being whole. This onslaught of health issues, it's left me bewildered and scared. Though, to be perfectly honest, I haven't actually processed any of this…still. Yet. But I want to be whole. And if they have to cut parts out of me to make me whole, I need to process that. But I'm not there yet. I'm working on it. Eventually, I'll be whole.

Degrees of Difference

Hey Bombshells,

I'm exhausted, but I'll try to make this update as informative as possible. I thought that I was superwoman, evidently, and tacked on a huge appointment with an endo specialist at the end of an amazing weekend visiting one of my very best friends. We Just Dance-d, we coffee-d, we slept, we  winery-ed, and we movie-d to our hearts' content. But Monday afternoon I sat in a very plush office and awaited the very specialized expertise of a very knowledgeable doctor and spent three hours learning, in his opinion, what I am up against.

His diagnosis was one hundred eighty degrees different from what the last doctor gave me. Truth be told, he almost missed it. And as he stood next to the exam table explaining to me what he thought was wrong, a lightbulb went off, as they say, and he actually went back and redid his exam before delivering the rather heavy news. He believes I do not, in fact, have andenomyosis, but that I do have a very seriously advanced case of endometriosis.

I couldn't help but laugh, really, as he said to me, "I was nice to meet you, Abigail. You are a very unusual case." I smirked and replied, "What's new." Because really, I'm like a medical anomaly. My hypothyroidism defies "typical" lab work and conventional diagnosis. I have Meniere's Disease, which is a ridiculously debilitating inner ear disorder which randomly, and without warning, makes life into the world's worst tilt-a-whirl ride. And now, I have an "usual case" of endometriosis that a doctor, who is world-renowned in his ability, whom people come to see FROM OTHER COUNTRIES, almost missed.

Yay me.

Kinda.

Not really.

Immediately, I was reminded of Glennon Doyle Melton at Momastery and her post in which she shared the experience of her doctor calling to inform her of her Lyme Disease and the accompanying rare and life threatening parasite destroying her body. She makes reference, completely in jest, to being "special" and that's why God chooses her for these challenges. I have to say, I completely agree.

I am special.

The end outcome is somewhat hazy. And depending on which procedures I choose, I'm weighing the possibility of needing surgery again down the road or losing my ability to carry a child ever again. Surgery is a necessity if I want to increase my quality of life. Very expensive surgery. Which means while I am eager to feel better, my decision making will be financially prudent and not a knee-jerk reaction. I will be seeking the opinion of one more doctor before I start moving forward on anything.

I'd love to hear from other Endo Warriors out there. I'm new to all of this. I'm all about absorbing and receiving right now. Share your story. Too many of us have been silent for too many years. We need to speak up. We need to eradicate the shame and embarrassment associated with female reproductive health.

Finding gratitude in the face of bad news

Today has been a hard day for me, Bombshells. In a whirlwind hour-long appointment at the doctor's office, I learned I have endometriosis and adenomyosis, the later of the two is the bigger problem it seems. The doctor presented this somewhat matter-of-factly, along with myriad of ways it can be treated including artificial hormones, uterine ablation, and hysterectomy – none of which sounded reasonable to me.

I guess I've had symptoms for years, but I always talked myself out of it. The painful cramps and flu-like symptoms I've suffered were key sign, but every month I told myself I was being a cry-baby, that many women had cramps far worse than I did and I just needed to push through. Eventually, the symptoms became too prominent, and out of fear over the state of my health, I sought medical help.

Grateful. In the face of this abrupt news, I am grateful because I need to be. It's the only way I can cope with the situation. This is big. Not cancer big, not life-threatening big, but life-altering big. I'm relatively young (37) and I'm faced with the fact that, essentially, I can't have any more kids. Trust me, I am immensely grateful that I have three healthy, vibrant children. Adenomyosis, from what I understand, most often develops after you have had children. But it feels like my autonomy has been taken from me. Honestly, I didn't intend to have more children, but I like knowing that I could change my mind. That maybe, if some crazy urge struck me, it was still a possibility.

No longer.

I know I'm not the first woman to be unexpectedly stripped of her fertility. Still, it's a hard reality to swallow.  But I refuse to have part of my body removed before I have explored every available alternative. I will be researching like a mad woman for everything and anything to help me reduce the symptoms and relieve the pain. No stone will remain unturned.

Please, Bombshells, share your stories, your experience, your remedies, I want to hear it all. I'm so grateful to have all of you by my side as I navigate this detour on my path through life.